How to Successfully Hang Out With Me

I'm not that easy to pin down into plans. I cancel on people a lot, and I don't easily forget past transgressions. So here's a quick how-to on getting face time (the actual, real life, non-Apple kind) with me.

Don't change the plan. Don't wait until I'm on my way and call me up to say, "Oh, did I say intimate dinner for two? What I meant was let's go to that club full of noisy people that will invade your personal space." Don't say you want to hang out for a couple of hours and then come up with six more things you want to do. Especially if I'm riding with you and I'm trapped. Hint: I don't like feeling trapped.

Don't invite extra people and not tell me. If I think I'm headed for a nice get together with a good friend I want to catch up with and I show up to find half a dozen of our college friends that I have avoided for years for very good reason, I'm not going to be thrilled.

Don't ask me last minute. There's like a one in ten chance you'll catch me in a good, upbeat mood where I'm convinced I can take on the world. There's a nine in ten chance that I'm already comfy in my pajamas. Once the pjs are on, it's pretty damn hard to talk me back out of them.

Don't try and guilt me. If I'm not feeling up for it, you harassing me isn't going to change my mind, it's just going to make me want to stop talking to you.

Don't grill me on why I don't come out more. A little good natured teasing from friends I'm comfortable with is one thing. But let's be real here, I'm not all that comfortable with very many people. You are probably not one of them. Even if you think you are.

Now, want some positivity? Here are some awesome things I like:

Comfortable, quiet places with my laptop. Bookstore, coffee shop. Coffee shops in particular are excellent because 'grabbing a coffee' is a very undefined period of time and the less pressured I feel the more fun I'll be having. Also, telling me to bring my laptop is going to give me the instant heart-eyes, because that means you know me. 

You. If I'm actually going through all the stress of meeting you somewhere, chances are it's because I like you and either want to get to know you better or want to catch up with you. So... just heed the warnings and we'll have a great time.

A Random Collection of Random Cool Things

• Who Said It? Spongebob or Nietzche
• SciShow: Bird of Dinosaur? 
• Reasons My Son Is Crying
• The Oatmeal: Why the Mantis Shrimp is my new favorite animal.
• Alchemy: Time Lapse of a Year in the American West
• Superhero Costuming: When Porn Does It Better (entirely safe for work, unless your work opposes to Wonder Woman costumes on principle)

A Post That Women Should See

DO IT NOW: Fairly Quick Guide to Proper Bra Fit and Measuring because Victoria Secret and La Senza and whatever are full of shit and you are definitely wearing the wrong size ok? ok

#MealsTogether That You Can Actually Eat

Okay, you want a dummies guide to cooking? Allow me. My handy-dandy three step guide to producing edible food and ensuring the continued livability of your residence:

1.) If you can't pronounce it, don't try to cook it.
2.) Keep people around that keep you humble. You're going to want to be reminded of your past failures, lest you begin to think you might have matured past making them.
3.) If you insist on actually cooking and you are easily distracted (spoiler: I am), set alarms. Use your phone. Use your ipod dock. Use your oven timer. Use that alarm clock you're pretty sure doesn't even have batteries anymore. Find some batteries, and use it. Because otherwise, you will set the oven timer and then get sucked into a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress and fall asleep on the couch and four hours later your roommate will wake you up with a very irate expression. What? No. That's no autobiographical at all.

I don't cook. I don't cook, and I'm not even really ashamed of it. Some people are good at math, and some people can barely remember basic fractions. Some people are musically gifted, some people can't hold a tune. Most people get more enjoyment out of the things they're good at, and most people improve at the things they enjoy because they dedicate more time to practicing. I have no natural affinity for cooking, so I don't spend a whole lot of time trying to learn. I'm sure if I really applied myself, I could improve my skills but there are a lot of things in life I really do enjoy and I'd rather use my free time on those.

This means I'm a big fan of quick and easy meals. I get easily distracted, so I love the crockpot. I love anything that I can walk away from and not set the smoke alarm off. I love when literally the only way I can mess a recipe up is to forget to turn the slow cooker on. This means I spend a lot of my time eating soup.

Five Helpful Tips for Phone Conversations with Me

Five Helpful Tips for Phone Conversations with Introverts Me

I hate the phone. Don't get me wrong, my iPhone is like a missing limb and if it were somehow blooped out of existence I'd mourn it like a loved one, but I hate the phone as a concept and an actuality. If I could actually disable the feature of my iPhone that involves people being able to call me and me having some social responsibility to actually acknowledge and occasionally answer it, I would in a heartbeat. The phone is invasive, it's intrusive, and I hate it. When my phone rings, I get that shock of panic and anxiety. My first reaction is not to grab it and say hi, but to assess who is calling me and if there's any way I can get away with not answering. Sometimes, blessedly, by the time I've finished this process of analysis, it's stopped ringing. Those times are the best. (Unless whoever is calling calls back, then the cycle just repeats.)

I'm not going to paint every introvert with the same brush, but here are a few guidelines that I desperately wish I could cc to every person that thinks about calling me.

Texting is your friend. 
If you're driving and you can't text and it's an emergency and you need an answer to a question right away, that's fine. I'm not impossible to work with. But if you're not driving, or if you're driving and it's not an emergency, or if you don't actually have a specific thing to ask/say: text me instead. I guarantee you that this is in your best interest, because text messages are much less pressure on me and I'll be a lot more forthcoming in conversation.

Skip the small talk. 
This one has a caveat: unless you're going to just focus on yourself. That sounds kind of weird, right? But the thing is, I'm a pretty good listener and I feel a lot more comfortable when I'm actually talking to the kind of person that is happy to focus only on themselves. I get nervous when the expectation is there for me to respond, because I just don't do well on the phone.

Remember the boy who cried wolf. 
Relating to the previously noted 'skip the small talk': If you abuse the privilege of me answering the phone when you call too many times to just talk, I'm going to stop answering. I'm pretty up front with people about this, so it's not like I'll be sneaky in evading your calls. I just won't answer, and once it's done ringing, I'll text you to ask if you actually needed something. I will continue to do this despite your teasing and mocking until you either give up or actually realize that talking on the phone is not fun for me at all.

Don't make the awkward pauses even more awkward.
Look, I know sometimes I stumble over words and sometimes it just takes me a minute to figure out what I want to say in response to whatever you just said. That's just how I operate. I'm not the kind of person that just blurts things out, even if it might seem inconsequential to you. So when you make a lame joke because you feel like every single silence needs to be filled with the sound of your sparkling voice and thus call attention to my conversational quirks, it just makes me want the call to be over even faster.

Don't put me on speakerphone or a three-way call without telling me. 
Or even with telling me. Just freaking don't, okay.

When Doing Things Stops Being Easy

When We...